DEAR MISS MANNERS: Living in a retirement community, I expected traditional civilities among residents. However, a couple of au courant ladies are ready to casually inquire over dinner, “Are you gay?” or even “When did you discover you were gay?”
Traditionally, such questions about private matters were no more acceptable than “How much money do you make?” or “Why did you and your wife divorce?”
Can you suggest a polite response that refuses to honor the question and avoids showing my rightful anger at the impertinence?
GENTLE READER: A distinguished gentleman, who had moved to a retirement facility to accommodate his ailing wife, once complained to Miss Manners about similar nosiness. In his case, it was that if he appeared anywhere alone, ladies would demand to know what had happened to his wife.
“Do they think I am neglecting her?” he asked.
“No, my dear,” Miss Manners told her friend. “They want to know if you are now eligible.”
She more than suspects that this is what prompts the rudeness you are encountering. She suggests looking intently at the questioner and saying, “I can’t imagine how my answer, whatever it might be, would affect you.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone invites us to something (informally, impromptu, as in, “Can you come over for dinner Saturday?”), it is my natural instinct to say yes if I can -- and if I can’t, I say what I’m doing instead: “So sorry, but we have tickets to the ballet.”
This leaves a third category: when you have other plans, but for some reason don’t want to say what they are.
For instance, you’re having your own dinner party, but you didn’t invite this person. Or you are tired of going out and need a night home in front of the TV.
My husband has no problem saying, “Sorry, we have other plans,” without saying what they are. He would say that even if our other plans were to receive a Nobel Prize, I’m sure.
I realize his statement is a good solution, but I just can’t seem to do it. It sounds abrupt and shady to me.
GENTLE READER: Well, it is not. You are obligated to respond quickly to an invitation, and some expression of regret is kind if you decline. But you do not need to provide an excuse.
However, Miss Manners does acknowledge that if any of us could honestly say, “Unfortunately, I have to be in Sweden then to pick up my prize from the king,” we would.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I want to have 32 of my neighbors over to celebrate my birthday (no gifts, of course), with a few snacks and a cake, at around 4:30 to 6:30. How would I write the invitation, and would I have to supply chairs for all?
GENTLE READER: Invite them to tea or cocktails without mentioning the birthday until you thank them, during the event, for celebrating with you. They will then protest that they wish they had known.
That should solve the no-gifts problem.
As for the chairs, you have not told Miss Manners which birthday it will be, and whether your contemporaries will be happy standing around or sitting on the floor.