DEAR MISS MANNERS: Whenever I visit a coffee shop and approach the order-taker, I say something along the lines of, “I’d like an iced tea” or simply, “An iced tea, please.” Over the past few years, however, I’ve noticed that no one else does that anymore. Instead, they frame their orders as a question: “Can I have ...?”
It seems odd to ask a shop if it’s OK to order something or to take my money. It also seems a bit juvenile, like a child visiting a friend’s home and politely asking for a glass of water from the friend’s mother, who is not a paid server.
I can understand questioning if a shop has something special, such as a caffeine- or sugar-free beverage: “Do you have ...?” Being in my late 60s, I struggle to keep up with the changing times, so I must ask: Am I in the wrong?
GENTLE READER: You are wrong about your history, which Miss Manners understands may be a side effect of your having been at this for only 60-some years.
Your preferred construction is perfectly acceptable. But phrasing such requests as a question -- or even in the conditional tense, as a hypothetical (“Could I have ...?”) -- has long been understood to be simple courtesy. It may actually be more accurate today when it is no longer clear if a coffee shop actually sells coffee.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I went to dinner at an upscale restaurant to celebrate our 55th anniversary. I mention how long we are married so you will know we aren’t spring chickens.
The waitstaff at this restaurant is very conscientious: They change the silverware with each course; they refill the water if you take two sips; they refold your napkin if you leave the table.
They came over many times to make sure we were OK. We were sitting next to a table with five women, probably in their early 30s. I noticed that not one of them thanked the waiter or busboy when they were doing all these things at their table. I, on the other hand, must have said “thank you” 20 times during the course of our meal.
Was I overdoing the thank-yous, or were those young ladies rude? Should we or should we not thank waitstaff when they are taking care of us?
GENTLE READER: There is an art to giving thanks for individual actions within a larger service -- just as there is an art to good service. Both involve not drawing attention.
It is not good service to interrupt a diner’s conversation every five minutes to ask if they still like the food. And even thanks can become wearisome with repetition. A filled water glass can be acknowledged with a nod of the head or a single word -- or neither, if it would interrupt the flow of conversation.
Assuming your neighbors were otherwise polite, Miss Manners will forgive them for the 20 missed opportunities to say “thank you” -- and for being in their 30s.