Dear Readers,
We love hearing from our readers, and boy did we hear from you after our most recent column, which spent the week hovering around ADN.com’s top 5 reads.
[Original column: My sister-in-law and her kids moved in due to a crisis, and brought violence and instability to our home]
This horrified husband was grappling with grief and guilt over how to best survive and yet still support his wife as they sheltered her unemployed sister, Bev, and her misbehaving kids.
We did our thing — focused our advice on the plight and fright of the letter writer, which included his failing health and situation’s negative impact on his marriage to his wife, Sara. Yet many of you honed in on deeper complexities, other unhealthy conditions, and even the dangerous dynamics of the situation for everyone involved, particularly Bev. And you came not just with responses, but with references and resources to help. Thank you!
Frankly the feedback was too good not to share. Here is a sample of comments that stood out:
Randi S. was all about helping Bev and her kids, providing a lineup of services and support available beyond crashing on a family member’s couch and living in limbo: “Alaska 2-1-1 is a health and human services help line; Anchorage Community Health Center is a place to go for overall health care and to establish a medical home; Abused Women Aid in Crisis (AWAIC) has a 24-hour support line that can be reached at 907-272-0100; The writer and his wife could call and get guidance. AWAIC also has shelter so may be a more appropriate place for support and developing a plan for the sister and her children. Clare House is a supportive housing organization that may be better able to guide the sister to independent living. Another resource for mental health is Alaska Behavioral Health.”
Lois B. added another resource, “I was stunned you didn’t recommend Al-Anon. That family will stay in the spin cycle until someone finds a way out. It sounds heartbreaking for all of them.”
A reader called “Momstar” wrote regarding the 10- and 6-year-olds who also have an older, drug-addicted sibling: “The mother is intoxicated the majority of the time and does no real parenting. With them living in their home they have some real responsibility to these children. At the very least they need to contact the children’s school or authorities and advise them of the situation. It is a very unhealthy situation for them to be living in. Services can be offered to these children so that they can get help. ... Just caught me off guard that you did not once mention the well being of the children.”
“ML” said, “One thing that bothered me was that this person fears that they’re breaking their marriage vows by not being able to stick through the worst. For better or worse refers to what the world throws at you, not what you put each other through. … Sara isn’t causing this, but she’s enabling it at the expense of her spouse. Sara, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Sara and Spouse, you can’t save anyone else until you save yourself. … ‘My house, my rules’ is a justified stance when the rules are made clear and applied consistently. It’s definitely called for here.”
Lisa advised the nightmare houseguests get booted: “Throw them out fast. Or your marriage and your health will become a bigger nightmare. I know, take it from me. (They’re) not your problem.”
And, finally, Elishea B. spoke up for the family pet: “Not one mention about the cat’s safety. Kids that are abused/witness abuse tend to then hurt those weaker them themselves which, unfortunately, lands on animals ... Too bad you didn’t take into consideration the one thing that cannot speak for itself. I’m actually so far away from being a cat lover I’m practically on another planet, but do better next time someone mentions an animal in distress.”
Wanda responds:
Thank you, readers, for tuning in and speaking up with your wise words and fresh perspectives. Sometimes situations that come across our radar are so complicated we aren’t sure where to begin — and bound by pesky word counts, it’s easy to oversimplify heartbreakingly complex problems.
I particularly appreciate Randy S.’s roster of resources. It’s easy to say “get help,” and it’s sometimes hard to know where to go. Randy’s list of community partners who are at the ready to support those who are struggling is concrete and useful. Lois B. also mentioned Al-Anon, an organization devoted to helping people whose lives are impacted by addiction. Check al-anon-ak.org for local support.
I was also really struck by the words of “ML,” who shared perspectives on “for better or worse.” Sentimentally, that concept is all about a couple standing together as a team to have each other’s backs and overcome problems together — and ML clarified, that’s really about jointly conquering externally created challenges, “not what you put each other through.” In a healthy relationship, it’s OK to say, “This is too much,” to speak up when you feel strained, and to communicate clearly and safely when we feel our partner is compromising the stability of the relationship.
Wayne responds:
I also thank our readers for providing resources, concern and love — enough the tough love. I appreciate your passion for wanting to help all involved: the couple, the mom, the kids and the kitty. I’m a pet person and I should have scratched out some copy for the cat, which is under stress if not abuse. It was easy to overlook with all of the super-dramatic dynamics in this situation, but I should have recognized that an animal’s life is upside-down, too. I will do better, Elishea.
Ultimately, I still feel most for the writer, who has tried his best to do right by his wife and her family, but is getting beat up for it — sometimes literally — in return. He’s been to the ER twice for high blood pressure! I feel a heart attack, or a heartbreak, coming on soon if he doesn’t find some peace in his home and relationship ASAP.
With the commentary Wanda and I shared last week, and the range of resources and feedback you all provided here, hopefully he can help find a way forward for everyone.
Have some further advice on this situation? Some friendship friction? A little relationship rockiness? In-law indigestion? Trouble landing a special someone in a dating pool of quirky catches? Reach out for advice to Wanda and Wayne at wanda@adn.com.