DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve heard a few people using the phrase “Don’t you want to ...” as a way to disguise nosy, unsolicited opinions. For instance:
“Don’t you want to stop renting that apartment and just buy a house?”
“Since you’ve adopted two children, don’t you want to have a biological one?”
“Don’t you want to take a break from working and just travel for a while?”
None of these are my own situation, but I find this tactic irritating. A person would already be doing (or attempting) these things if they wanted to and were able to.
If pointing out this rudeness in others is rude, what is the appropriate response?
GENTLE READER: “Of course we thought about that ...” and then let the sentence trail off, along with your ever-so-slightly condescending expression.
Miss Manners warns you not to be surprised when your busybody friends follow up with, “Don’t you want to finish that sentence?”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a terrible gardener. Fifteen years ago, I planted an avocado tree. It lost all the fruit immediately, and it was more than 10 years before it grew more. Three avocados, to be exact.
In the years since, the tree has yielded a few more avocados each season, sometimes as many as nine or 10. I count them when they appear, and look forward to enjoying one avocado a week for nine or 10 weeks, picking them accordingly.
One friend asked for an avocado. I did not want to give up one of my few fruits, but I did anyway. Knowing the peculiarities of my avocados, I warned her that she should wait at least two weeks before cutting into it.
She didn’t do this. Instead, she cut it open when she believed she had waited long enough, and found it unripe. She threw it away, thereby wasting one of my precious treats.
When another acquaintance asked me about the fruit, I said vaguely, “There aren’t very many.” She begged me for one anyway. I fear the same thing will happen, although I will not ask about it.
I’m sorry to be stingy, but is there a polite way to say no to people who ask me for this fruit?
GENTLE READER: “I am afraid that my gardening skills are lacking and the fruit from my tree is barely edible. When both my tree and I get better at this, I will be happy to share.”
And then, Miss Manners suggests, you enjoy your one piece a week with the shades drawn.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion on replying to a compliment with “I know”? My children have tried to assure me it is the appropriate response for the new generation, but it rankles me every time. Has “thank you” really gone out of fashion?
GENTLE READER: Amusingly, this approach may be an overcorrection of the equally irksome response -- “No, I look terrible!” -- some older generations had adopted.
Miss Manners assures you that neither brazen confirmation nor self-deprecating denial is necessary when given a compliment. “Thank you” is the only proper response, fashionable or not. It is timeless.