Q: My 3 1/2-year-old son says things like “If you don’t do X, I will throw you out of this house!” “If you don’t give me this toy, I will break this house down!” when he is mad or frustrated. He will say this to me, grandparents, his cousin and aunt. We are his safe space, and he does not indulge in this behavior outside of home. But I believe it is deep-rooted. When I was in the same house as his father, who was narcissistic, verbally abusive and threatening, his father did the same things to me. He would threaten me if I questioned his actions or intentions, saying things like: “Since you have the audacity to talk to me like that, why don’t you and the sick child drive yourself to the doctors appointment?” Even though my son was really small, could he have picked up on it? I am on my journey of healing from a bad marriage. But it is very shocking to me how children can take in so much from their surroundings. But maybe I am wrong. I want to hear what you have to say about this behavior, and how I can help my toddler transition out of this habit and move on to better behavior.
A: I am sorry that you were in a relationship that made you feel so small, and I would like to congratulate you on getting out of it. Many people don’t understand how insidious verbal abuse is or how an abusive partner can hold such sway over intelligent and capable adults. Even after you leave the abusive partner, the healing has only begun for everyone in the family, spouses and children alike.
First, you mention that you are on your own journey of healing and I could not have been happier to read that. While your son could have definitely picked up cues from his other parent, you are the one who needs the most immediate support. Why? You are one of the most important adults who need to co-regulate with your son to help him find his bearings. This means that when your son is feeling frantic, angry, panicked, frustrated and mad, you can meet his emotions with calm, centered, focused attention. Don’t accelerate his emotions by punishing him, reasoning with him or shaming him, and don’t downplay or try to stop his feelings by ignoring him, giving in to his demands, escaping him or becoming overly emotional yourself. Instead, because you are healing, focus on showing up for him in a way that is confident and calm.
This is of utmost importance because your son’s nervous system is wired to feel safe (like every other child on earth), but has had the extra burden of watching an unsafe relationship between his parents. Even though you were the one who was threatened, it is like your son was threatened along with you. A young child isn’t mature enough to say to themselves, “This is about them, not me.” Everything is about a young child; it is developmentally typical.
So to your question, yes, your young child is likely reacting to what he has experienced at a very young age. “When witnessing intimate partner violence, they sense the threat and instinctively do what they need to do to feel safe,” said my friend Laura Reagan, a psychotherapist specializing in trauma. “The memory of the danger they witnessed, and their helplessness to do anything about it, is held in their implicit (nonverbal) memory.” She goes on to say that he may be reacting to signals from you and your nervous system, and his nervous system is picking that up. “It often shows up in sensorimotor (sensory and movement impulses) and emotional forms. The child may be reacting to signals from the mother’s nervous system that his nervous system is picking up implicitly. He may sense his mother’s emotions of anxiety and fear, sadness, loneliness or other emotions that may trigger a reminder to his system of the past abuse he witnessed,” she said. “Even happy moments may trigger a sense of threat, because it sounds like it’s hard for him to relax.”
So, when we understand that the abuse your son witnessed seeped into him, it can clarify why it is critical that you receive the best support that money and time can offer. And yes, time is of the essence. Naturally, we don’t want to see your son acting like his other parent, but the good news is that his brain is very young. The sooner he can co-regulate, feel safe and learn how to express his anger, the more likely that the abuse does not have to take on a life of its own, spinning into other behavioral issues that will hurt your son’s schooling, friendships and relationships with other adults.
As for trusting yourself when it comes to your son and his emotional needs, please do more of this. I know that after leaving an abusive relationship, trusting your intuition can feel shaky, but I am going to invite you to keep staying curious about what your gut is telling you.
While 3 1/2-year-olds are very emotional humans, this is different. “These unresolved experiences continue to impact his developing nervous system,” Reagan says. “It’s typical of children who have witnessed intimate partner violence to reenact the power dynamics they witnessed, both in play and in relationships generally.” Notice that he is using threats related to childhood (“I will break this house down!”) instead of repeating exactly what he heard your ex saying to abuse you. So he is mimicking the spirit of the abusive dynamics.
What can you do to support your son? Reagan and I both strongly recommend a play therapist who specializes in attachment and trauma. While the playing may not look like much from the outside, it is important to remember that a young child’s primary way of learning is through play, so it tracks that this is where some healing can take place.
Additionally, it is wonderful that you and his grandparents are not punishing or threatening your son. Understanding that his behavior is a sign of needing safety will be the lens through which you will navigate these choppy waters. Keep at it.
Above all, feel optimistic that healing can happen here, for both of you. Take it one day at a time, and surround yourself with people who build you up, support you and celebrate your parenting wins. Good luck!