Parenting Q&A: Our teen wants his driver’s license, but his risky behavior worries us

Q: We have a 17-year-old who believes he’s on the verge of taking his road test for his driver’s license. Based on a variety of less-than-great life choices involving drugs and alcohol, my wife and I aren’t 100 percent convinced we’re ready for that (aside from the fact that he needs some additional behind-the-wheel training). He hates “indefinite answers,” as in, “We’re not sure when you can get your license.” The therapist my wife and I have seen recommends tackling this from a “trust and safety” standpoint and saying, “We want you to get your license but need to know you’ll take on that responsibility safely and in a way we can trust.” But I don’t feel comfortable committing to when that will be and he wants specifics. Any advice?

A: This is a tough one. And while I begin just about every column by saying this, it is still true: There are many, many parents who are in the same boat as you right now. Your question is about a variety of issues (teens and risky behavior, the privilege of getting a license), but I see a glaring issue that you are pointing toward with some vague language: There aren’t clear boundaries being set and held with your son. Phrases such as “who believes he’s on the verge of” and “not sure when you can get your license” are red flags, not to mention that you are somewhat blaming him for wanting definite answers. Let’s unpack this so everyone in the family can get some clarity.

First of all, teens make many kinds of mistakes, from the mundane to the serious. The part of the brain that can see around the corner is still years from being fully mature, so mistakes around drugs and alcohol aren’t uncommon. The teen brain cannot see what could happen (injury, embarrassment, hurting others, death), and the teen is also battling how great drugs and alcohol feel (at first). All of these neuroreceptors in the reward center of the brain light up like fireworks, which is why it can be difficult for a teen to repeatedly turn down brain-altering substances.

While teens are known for getting a bad rap (especially when they are engaging in dangerous behaviors), I find value in the approach that Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA’s School of Medicine, takes. In his book, “Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain,” Siegel focuses on four features of adolescent brain development: “emotional spark, social engagement, novelty and creative exploration.” He says there are four key ways to maintain healthy brain growth, including keeping passion in your life, maintaining supportive social networks, trying new things and challenging your mind. Knowing this, he says, helps adults understand how to support healthy development in our teens.

You have a teen who has a rapidly changing brain (one that is making mistakes), has a desire for connection, social networks and a sense of purpose. Meanwhile, you have parents and the public who need him and the streets safe.

The way forward is clarity, clarity, clarity.

A key piece of information I don’t know is how actively he is involved in drugs and alcohol. For the sake of argument, let’s say he has made mistakes in the past and you are still worried about his judgment. You should not lord your son’s mistakes over him; the purpose of parenting is to help our children move forward. So you must explicitly draw out the rules with clear dates and check-ins. For example: “You have worked hard at learning how to drive, and we are excited to see you become more independent. Because driving while drunk or high carries the highest of consequences, we are going to have to enter this slowly. Let’s come up with a schedule where we check in and we can see that you are staying safe.” Then you work together to help him earn this privilege in a way that feels reasonable and safe.

If your son is actively using and you cannot trust that he will stay sober behind a wheel, then don’t dance around what you will or won’t do. “You can take the test, but you will not be driving our car. The alcohol and drug use means that we cannot trust that it will be a safe decision for you, your passengers and everyone out on the road. We can work together to find a way for you to drive, because ultimately, we want that for you.”

Remember, every teen wants to feel connected, purposeful and experimental, so the goal isn’t just “don’t drink or do drugs.” As parents, it’s important to help your son find a way to give back to others, work on something in a group or, my favorite: Find another adult to shepherd them. Involvement from a family member, coach, teacher, therapist or another loving adult can have a huge impact in supporting your son. Whether you need them to be a safe sounding board or absorb the complaints he will have about your boundaries, humans are meant to have an assortment of people to guide us. You will have to be brave to ask for help, but it’s often available.

If you hold your boundaries, create clear plans and attainable goals with your son, you can make these positive changes with him. Yes, he ultimately has to do the work, but your clarity and firmness will unquestionably help him along. It gives him a prescription and a clear sense of when and how he can become a driver.

Your son will probably disagree with the boundaries, eye roll them and even lash out at you, but if you remain vague, your son will push around your choices. It hurts the whole family to not hold firm. And while driving is the issue of this letter, I am hopeful that the boundaries you set can also open more conversations around drug and alcohol use. Driving is only one aspect of this problem, and I would strongly recommend some keen listening to more deeply understand your son. He will soon be an adult; you don’t have to hand him your car keys, but you can make space for what he is going through. Good luck.