Dear Annie: I have a problem and am earnestly seeking your help.
I am a widow and I have three children. Our family has always been a close one. However, I have encountered a dilemma I never thought I would experience. My daughter is a divorced mother of four grown children. In the past, she always made sure she visited. This has changed in the last few years. Now she seldom visits. I have seen her once this year. She only lives two hours from me.
I have asked if I have done anything to offend her in any way, and she assures me I have not. I have helped her financially and have always been there for her. When she was giving birth, I was there to help her. When she had surgery, I was there with her.
She is seeing someone, and I know they spend a great deal of time with each other, especially on the weekends. She has brought him twice when we’ve had a get-together, etc. As a result, I am no longer seeing my grandchildren -- her children -- nor am I hearing from them. In the past, she made it a point to visit. The children have families, and two of the granddaughters have children. I try not to dwell on it.
My daughter does call often. I mentioned to her that I never hear from the grandchildren. She asked me not to fuss at her because they no longer keep in touch. I have five great-grandchildren. I have only seen the two oldest. I have always remembered their birthdays and Christmas. I paid for cheerleading camps, clothes, pageant dresses, etc.
I am no longer driving due to back problems as a result of arthritis. I am disappointed, and I am hurt. It is not where I can visit them due to my not driving.
Is there anything you can think of I could do to remedy the noncommunication? This daughter and I have always been extremely close. The grandchildren have all been invited over. I asked my daughter when she thought she would be coming for a visit. Her reply was that she has been busy at work. She gets off on Fridays at noon. I don’t think her work is the reason for her not visiting. I think she doesn’t want to visit and, as a result, the grandchildren don’t want to visit either.
What is your advice on how I cope with this? Thank you.
-- No Visits for Nana
Dear No Visits: If you’ve asked your daughter if everything is OK between you two and she assures you it is, perhaps her lack of visiting really does stem from not wanting to drive the two hours each way to and from your house. While it may not be feasible with her work schedule to visit all the time, even once every six weeks or every other month would be a welcome start.
Tell your daughter how much it would mean to you to see each other in person. Even if it’s not for a little while, put a date on the calendar for her to come for a weekend. In the meantime, try turning some of these frequent phone calls into video calls with your daughter instead, and with your grandchildren and great-grandchildren, if possible.
Aside from wanting more face time with your family, it sounds to me like you’re craving more company and companionship in general. I encourage you to pursue community events and activities and hobbies you enjoy, provided they are physically doable for you, to help fill the void you’re feeling in your family’s absence.