Dear Amy: I’m a young professional in my second year at an office job that I love. I’m also nonbinary – neither a man nor a woman – and my pronouns are the gender-neutral “they/them.”
My workplace is very accepting, and my pronouns are displayed on our agency’s website and on a nameplate at my desk.
Most of my coworkers are mindful of how they refer to me, and correct themselves when they make mistakes. However, there are a few people in our small office who have trouble getting it right.
I have to make choices every day between the discomfort of getting misgendered and the vulnerability of correcting others, and I accept this as part of my daily life as an openly nonbinary individual.
But at a certain point, when someone I know well and see every day doesn’t even notice when they’ve gendered me incorrectly, it can be hurtful.
I try to continue correcting people that slip up, but it gets more difficult as it becomes clear they aren’t making the effort to avoid putting me in that position in the first place.
What should I do?
– Tired of Trying
Dear Tired: When I use “they/them” pronouns in this space (referring to a nonbinary person, or to a person whose gender is simply not made clear), some readers push back with, “But ‘they/them’ is plural! An individual is singular!”
At this point (over five years after this usage became standard), this plural pushback is sounding less like a rationale and more like a refusal.
With the holdouts who are not merely making a mistake, but are not making any effort at all to refer to you correctly, you may attempt to redirect them by asking, “Can you tell me why you don’t use they/them to refer to me?”
Regardless of how they answer, you really should go to HR with your concern.
Anyone who misgenders you is disrespecting you, and also (it seems) violating your company’s values and policy.
Dear Amy: My question is about calling someone out when they do something offensive.
What would you say is a reasonable amount of time for this to be done?
My friend “Shari” emailed me about a letter in your column. The letter Shari quoted to me was about the propriety of a friend taking a photo of them while they were eating.
In her email, Shari stated that she remembered me doing the same thing and told me to stop taking pictures of people without their permission.
She remembers this incident happening in a specific place, but does not remember the month, year or event.
She did remember that I was using a digital camera.
I have no recollection of this incident.
I don’t take pictures of people without their permission.
I’ve had a smartphone for almost 10 years and haven’t used a digital camera in all of that time.
I’ve spent much time with my friend in the past 10 years and this issue never came up – until now.
I’m wondering what you think about this, and how I might respond.
– M
Dear M: Given the violation you are accused of committing and the length of time that has passed, I’d say that the statute of limitations has long since passed.
However, if you would like to preserve or try to revive a friendship with “Shari,” you might reply, “I have never knowingly taken a picture of another person without their permission, and as this seems to have happened at least 10 years ago, I cannot remember this incident. All the same, it is obvious that this has been on your mind and heart for a long time, and I’m very sorry you’ve been holding onto this for so long without mentioning it to me. I assure you that if I come across any photo corresponding to your memory, I will definitely delete it.”
Dear Amy: I wrote the question published in your column signed “Far Away Friend,” regarding sending material gifts to elder friends.
Thank you and your readers for the excellent suggestions for gifting older friends.
I wrote letters (on actual paper with large type) to a few and made plans to travel to see other friends, who live closer.
Though it saddens me to lose our gifting traditions, the suggestions helped tremendously.
– Far Away Friend
Dear Far Away: Receiving gifts from you seemed to inspire a lot of pressure in your elder friends to reciprocate.
I am so happy that you’ve transitioned to writing newsy letters and planning visits; this might initiate a lively correspondence.