Q: I have a terminal illness. I have been getting everything done to prepare for my passing. I’ve done this to make it easier for my wife. However I feel my wife and others are a bit “freaked out” by my actions. Am I wrong?
A: I can only imagine how unbelievably difficult this time is for you and your loved ones. You aren’t wrong; you are doing what you need to do to make your death easier for the people you love. Your loved ones being “freaked out” by your actions doesn’t mean you aren’t doing what’s best for them and you.
While getting your affairs in order is useful, I think you should also consider not just what your wife and loved ones will need once you are gone, but what they, and you, and your relationship, may need right now, too. You are grieving in your own ways - you are doing something in the anticipation of loss while they are feeling the anticipatory loss. But I don’t want you to deny the myriad emotions you are feeling, too. Sometimes people focus on actions to grasp onto something within their control, but by doing so, they avoid their emotions. This may cause a disconnect between you and your loved ones.
If you are more forthcoming about how you are feeling, you may be able to bridge that gap. After all, it’s likely you and your wife feel similarly - scared, devastated, anxious - but are concerned about each other to the point of preventing real intimacy during this difficult time. Even more, if there is something you feel like you are not getting from your loved ones right now, it’s worth mentioning practical ways they can support you. This will help them feel useful, too.
It sounds like your loved ones want to make the most of the time they have with you. This is a tough balance to strike but consider how you can find ways to navigate the practical tasks you want and need to do while also staying present with your loved ones. You deserve to experience laughter, joy, adventure and fulfillment in your final days. Don’t let the logistics of death get in the way of that.
Q: My daughter and her husband are hoarders. I hurt knowing she is living in a house of piled stuff. How do I handle this?
A: This is a delicate situation. Start by educating yourself on what hoarding disorder is - it extends beyond merely collecting things and involves a deeper compulsion than you can see. The best way to approach this is with empathy and nonjudgmental curiosity and support.
Think about what - if at all - your role is in enabling their hoarding behaviors. For instance, are you accommodating their hoarding by helping them financially or offering them things you don’t want anymore? Even consider the types of gifts you give them. These seemingly insignificant actions can help you focus on what you can control, yourself, rather than trying to control them.
It is unlikely that there will be immediate change, so you want to create realistic expectations for yourself. This will likely be a conversation you will need to have repeatedly but you also want to honor your daughter’s and her husband’s boundaries, too. This means not cleaning up or getting rid of their stuff without their permission, and respecting where they are and how much they are willing to engage about this.
When talking to your daughter and her husband, don’t make the conversation about the clutter or possessions but about their well-being. Are there particular aspects of their hoarding, like your inability to visit their home, safety concerns, or financial struggles, that you can focus on? Being specific about your worries can help you broach this conversation from a place of concern and will decrease the chances your daughter and her husband feel defensive about their behavior.
You want to minimize harm rather than focus on total cleanliness. And though you can’t force your loved ones to get help, you can introduce and offer resources and support - focusing on your love and care for them as your family. Start small with how you approach your concern, and celebrate all the progress along the way.