Q: How do I strike a balance when talking to my 15-year-old daughter about her casual/social alcohol and marijuana use between keeping the lines of communication open while letting her know that I don’t condone it? What’s most important to me is that she talks to me about this stuff. I don’t want that to stop.We’ve talked about safety, both from sexual assault, physical injury and adulterated marijuana. I want her to know that she can call me any time she feels unsafe and she will absolutely not be in trouble if she’s been drinking or using marijuana. But at the same time, I’d rather her not do either and I want to let her know that.My fear is that if I come on too strong, she’ll stop talking to me and she’ll continue to drink/smoke. How do I let her know that I’d really rather she not do it at all, without leading her to stop confiding in me?
A: Thank you for being courageous enough to write this letter. The reason we see so many books, posts and questions about younger children is because, while the issues can be difficult and confusing, the stakes are often so much lower when parenting younger children.
When it comes to the teen years, facing drug and alcohol use is one of the many topics that can keep us sleepless and, suffice it to say, many of us didn’t grow up with the ability to speak frankly about these topics. Secrecy and a lack of communication around substance use was (and is) the way that most families handled it, and the fact that you have spoken to her about safety and your unwavering and unconditional love speaks volumes about your relationship.
And, still. The data is clear around how alcohol and marijuana use can change the adolescent brain, so you are right to be concerned. My favorite book on this subject is “The Addiction Inoculation” by Jessica Lahey. It is full of the latest data surrounding substance use and the adolescent brain. I spoke to Lahey directly about your letter, and here are the key takeaways for you (and every parent who is coping with this right now).
Pick up “The Addiction Inoculation” and read it or listen to it. You are not going to take it all in or use it all, but there will be parts that will speak directly to your situation. That is what you want to use to spark conversations.
Lahey suggests speaking frankly about the gray line between substance use and addiction. You should also discuss your daughter’s friends rather than using “you,” as a little bit of distance, Lahey says. This will lessen your daughter’s need to be defensive about her own use. Arm her with a little bit of data around when the use slips into “problematic.” Changes in sleep, grades, eating, school sport/groups, grades and friendships can all signal that the casual use is slipping into something that needs attention.
Lahey encourages focusing on the feelings that can lead to problematic use of substances. Using language that is more curious than didactic, ask why you think teens need these substances to either relax, feel uplifted, more social, more brave, more fun or more themselves. It is easier for the parent to jump into, “and drugs and alcohol will never help you be more yourself!” but resist the lecture. That’s where we lose the teens.
Stick to the data. Between Lahey’s books and “The Huberman” podcast (as well as numerous recent studies), the data points to no discernible health benefits from alcohol use and shows how alcohol disrupts every major system of our bodies. Chronic marijuana use (more than twice a week) is associated with thinning of the prefrontal cortex, where executive functioning happens, and reduction in the size of the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain responsible for learning and memory. More studies need to be done on marijuana use and the adolescent brain, but the emerging data points toward problematic effects of chronic use.
While handing teens “books about substance use and abuse” is not usually the best way to communicate with them (insert their eye rolls here), Lahey suggests leaving the book “High” by David and Nic Sheff on the coffee table or bathroom counter. Actually deemed by adolescents as “good,” this father/son team breaks down what alcohol and drugs do to our bodies in a matter-of-fact manner, no extra scare tactics needed.
Allow natural consequences to occur (within reason). If your teen is exhausted or hung over, they should still go to work/school/family gatherings/do chores/get out of bed. Don’t dial down their discomfort; it can be an excellent teacher. Clearly, if you feel your child is in imminent physical or emotional danger, make the necessary decisions to keep them safe.
Finally, this is my advice: Take a good look at your own substance use in the home. Many people who drink and smoke/eat will never develop a serious addiction problem, but you don’t need to develop an addiction to have a problematic relationship with drugs and alcohol. If you are chronically drinking to relieve the stress of the day, reward yourself for hard work or temporarily forget your problems, you may want to assess how substances are showing up in your life and the larger message that could be sending to your teen. Rather than shame or fear, use curiosity and compassion when looking at your own substance use.
You have a close relationship with your teen; keep that going. We know that if you start to punish and control, she will simply become sneaky and silent. By communicating with her using data, what you are seeing and that it is your job (and privilege) to keep her healthy, you will hopefully help her navigate these rocky years. Good luck.