Dear Sahaj: How can I be supportive to my sister who’s in a painful marriage? My sister married an argumentative, difficult man. His demeanor was well known by everyone, including her, before their marriage. Her husband creates arguments often out of inconsequential events, and frequently in front of other family members. He is very opinionated and drinks more than he should. He reinforces negative behavior like overeating fast food and creates a stressful environment where their young child cannot cry or if their child does, it is my sister’s fault. Everything that goes wrong seems to end up being her fault in some way. He also doesn’t encourage her to develop her own relationships in the new city she moved to (in order to live with him), seemingly isolating her as well. I want to support her as best as I can as a sister, but I really think the relationship is not healthy. They both probably are disinclined to seek formal therapy together or alone. And I feel like if I express my true feelings about their relationship, or intervene by defending her during verbal abuse, it will be seen as butting in and causing more conflict in their marriage, and one or both might blame me for any marriage failure. What can I do?
— Concerned Sister
Concerned Sister: It’s painful to see your sister in a relationship that isn’t healthy or what you’d want for her. Being honest with her about this will be hard. She might feel like she must protect him. She might be hesitant to be open because she senses you and your family don’t like him. Or she might not be ready yet to accept or confront her own feelings about his behavior. It’s worth talking to your sister. If your brother-in-law has been keeping her from other relationships, then it’s likely he’s hoping to isolate her from her family too.
How has your family handled this in the past? Has she confided in you about her marriage or struggles? There seems to be a general acceptance that your brother-in-law behaves how he wants and no one will say anything. This reinforces silence; when everyone worries about “butting in,” it maintains this dynamic and further isolates your sister from you and your family.
There is a difference between not liking your sister’s husband and being concerned about his controlling or aggressive behavior. My colleague and licensed marriage and family therapist Whitney Goodman emphasizes the importance of aligning with your sister, not against her husband. If you haven’t yet, you can broach this with your sister by having a tactful, kind and earnest conversation. This could sound like, “How are things going with [husband]?” Or, “How are things going in [their city]?” By approaching her with nonjudgmental curiosity, you can at least gauge how she’s doing. You are only privy to what you observe and what your sister chooses to share with you. Focus on learning how she feels about her husband and her life and if she is happy.
If you don’t know how to take the conversation further, or sense her hesitation, you can say, “I will always be here for you, and I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.” As Goodman points out, “Your main goal needs to be building your sister up and helping her improve her self-worth so that she may realize on her own that this is not the way she should be treated.” This may sound like, “I love you. You’re so kind and generous, and you deserve to be happy.” Then you can name your fears and concerns, compassionately. “I notice that [child] seems to be scared of [husband]. That worries me.” By pointing out things that are not okay, you avoid normalizing her husband’s behavior.
If you have safety concerns about your sister or her child, you and your family should intervene. Goodman says, “If the situation continues to become increasingly more violent or abusive, it’s important to involve someone like a therapist or a domestic violence support agency that can assist you with helping your sister and her child leave the home. Escaping these situations comes with a lot of risk, and leaving can put people in harm’s way if not done correctly.” The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be a resource to you if you do have concerns or if you want more information on identifying and supporting someone through abuse.
If physical safety is not a concern, you can pull your sister aside privately after an incident and say something like, “Hey, I just wanted to check in. I really care about you and it’s hard for me to see [husband and his specific behavior or words]. How are you doing?” You can even be honest without being dismissive. This may sound like: “I wish he were kinder to you.” Or even, “Have you considered talking to him about how [specific behavior] affects you and [child]?” If she shows interest in your advice or help, it may be an opportunity to share resources with her about counseling.
This is all in service of building a relationship with your sister in which she feels safe to be honest with you. The goal is not to control her or tell her what to do, but to be supportive and a soft place for her to land if and when she needs it. This won’t be easy. A therapist can help you understand your role and process your feelings about this situation.
These will be ongoing conversations, but don’t let your brother-in-law - or his behavior - pull you away from your sister and her child. They’re the priorities. Focus on how you can be a loving, kind, safe space for them both.