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Q: My 3 1/2 -year-old son has moments of defiance and tantrums that I can’t control. No matter what I do, he doesn’t seem to hear me out in the moment and only seems to get more angry if I try to calm him down. I feel judged and embarrassed when others see this behavior occur. When can I expect to see some improvement in terms of age? How can I help him?
A: Thanks for writing. Defiance and tantrums are so common in 3-year-olds that I would guess that most pediatricians would be concerned if your child wasn’t giving you some pushback. Though, like everything on the developmental scale, there is a range. I don’t know the severity, length or frequency of these outbursts, so an important first step is keeping track of the tantrums. It may sound exhausting, but keep a record in your phone or a notebook. It could become helpful for other experts down the road.
Your son’s defiance and tantrums serve a purpose. They are not simply misbehaviors to be controlled; they are part of his development. A human is not meant to be a robot, blindly following instructions and orders. And the younger the child, the less likely you are to see obedience. Remember, 3 1/2-year-olds are immature. Their brains are not yet able to weigh many perspectives, options or rational thought, and virtually anything, from hunger to pain to fatigue, will send them into a tailspin. The inability to express themselves completely, to explain their emotions and to understand others, comes out as tantrums. Your son’s tantrum is a sign pointing you toward one obvious conclusion: He is overwhelmed.
The rule of overwhelm is when you add stress, you just get bigger tantrums. You already know this: Whenever you have been terribly upset, anyone who tries to reason, silence or placate you is not going to be well-received. When our dysregulation is that high, we need a quiet, loving presence and this is doubly true for 3-year-olds. So remember, almost every technique that is used to shut down a tantrum (reasoning, silencing, talking over them, etc.) ends up making it worse.
His behavior is not personal. He is not manipulating or ignoring you; he has been kidnapped by his big feelings. To avoid making the tantrums worse, stop trying to be rational with him. You already know this doesn’t work (“he doesn’t seem to hear me out in the moment and only seems to get more angry”). Next, if it doesn’t seem to make the tantrum worse, get on his level and make gentle contact. Hugs, a compassionate face or a gentle hand on the shoulder - anything that communicates that you are there. While you are on his level, see how long you can stay silent. You may want to rip your hair out, but compassionate silence often works in helping settle his feelings. He is accustomed to your overmanagement, so be ready for the tantrum to continue for a while before it gets better.
When a tantrum occurs in public, get out of dodge as fast as you can. Find a quiet place, such as your car or even behind a wall. As soon as you remove the audience, you will be able to manage your own emotions better. And remember: You are only responsible for your own emotions when your son is melting down. Your only job is to breathe, stay with him and wait. No emotion lasts forever; you need to trust that.
As for when you can expect the tantrums to end, well, that is a bit stickier. If everything goes according to plan, a child becomes more cooperative in fits and starts throughout their young years, with a smoothing around age 7. The “fits and starts” part is the most important; every human is born with their own unique temperament and family of origin; developmental paths look different for everyone.
And the really sticky part? The struggles you begin now with your son (arguing, silencing, etc.) can actually lead to bigger problems down the road. Imagine that you cannot help your big feelings, and your parent, the person who is supposed to support and listen to you, shames and shuts you down. Those big feelings don’t go away; your child only becomes more frustrated, more depressed, more angry. Again, the explosions are an invitation to connect, not shut down. Is this the hardest work of your parenting life? Yes, and it is getting you ready for the older years.
If his tantrums get worse, please see your pediatrician. Also, invest in some good development and behavior-mitigation books; they will put your mind at ease. If you don’t know many other parents with children this age, please make every effort at finding some! It will normalize your worries and give you an opportunity to share your exasperation. Children this age are challenging, but if you keep your boundaries and gently love him through this time, it will (fingers crossed) pass. Good luck.: