Q: I’m hoping for help seeking closure in a friendship. After several years in the same area, my friend moved several states away - to a wonderful job, a wonderful spouse, and a growing family. We successfully stayed in touch (chats, text, visits, etc.) for quite a while after their move until suddenly . . . nothing. It’s embarrassing to admit, but for nearly a year I kept up trying to engage, with maybe only a few responses back. Just enough to make me hope they would reciprocate.
It hurts to acknowledge I’ve been ghosted, but it’s hard to imagine what else it could be, as much as I’ve wanted to give this truly wonderful person the benefit of the doubt. We never had a falling-out, and that we were able to maintain our friendship for quite a while after their move has left me feeling even more confused and sad. We were close for years, and I’m hurt that this is how they handled it.
I still love this friend and wish they were in my life, but at the same time have to realize they aren’t signaling the same. I was hoping for some advice, but in particular I was wondering about sending them a text or an email - something kind and positive that implies no blame but that asks for the closure I don’t have, or at least clearly communicates that the ball is in their court.
-- Missing a Friend
A: Changing friendships can be painful. You are grieving the loss of a meaningful connection; it’s confusing and sad.
First, ask yourself what closure means to you. Is it seeking an answer about why your friend hasn’t been as active in the relationship? Is it sharing that you’ve been hurt, but you miss them and wish them well - essentially getting your feelings off your chest so you can move forward?
Your decision to seek closure should be determined by what you can do (if anything) and not by what you can get from your friend. The truth is: Closure may not look the way you want, and it may not feel good. If you are reaching out because you want a specific response in return, you could be disappointed. But if you are reaching out because you feel like you never got to share how you feel about the friendship - and its abrupt end - then that may help you feel like you are being honest with yourself. You may even decide that you want to process your feelings - through journaling or professional support - and not reach out at all to this friend.
If you do want to reach out, you could say something I advised in a previous column: “I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for us to connect. Do you feel the same way?” With curiosity you can give your friend a chance to share how they perceive your friendship - and if something is going on in their life that has made it difficult for them to show up in your relationship. This may allow you to get clarity on how to move forward. You can also say: “I wonder if something is going on in your life, or if I have unknowingly done something to hurt you that’s making it hard for us to connect. I care about you and whenever you are up for it, I would love to schedule a time for us to chat.” If you want to share your feelings more thoroughly, consider writing a letter or sending an email to give yourself a chance to be deliberate about your message and give your friend time to process.
While being ghosted can lead to self-doubt, you want to be careful not to internalize that you are solely at fault or are unworthy of effort or respect in your friendship. Remember: It takes two people to make a relationship work. You clearly care about this person, and yet they have not been treating you with the same respect or care in return. I empathize with your desire to understand what they are thinking or feeling, and I want to highlight that actions - and inaction - also say a lot. It’s okay to ask for more in a friendship, and it’s important to recognize when you aren’t treated well.
Friendships naturally change shape over time - especially because of a lack of proximity or changing priorities. In what ways do you think this friendship is different because of shifting lifestyles, priorities or values? Even more, and despite the fact that you may feel blindsided, you want to be honest with yourself about the reality of your friendship. Did it often require you to give more effort in order to maintain it? Is this the first time you have felt slighted by this friend?
Ultimately, you may have to create closure for yourself and find peace in the ambiguity of never really knowing why your friend pulled back. Acceptance is not about ignoring what you feel, but rather it’s about accepting that you feel these things and you have agency to control how you manage and handle these feelings. What does it look like for you to take care of yourself right now? This can be reaching out to your friend, or it may be nurturing other friendships that are important to you and give you the care you deserve.
While this may not be the end of the friendship, you should seek acceptance of how things are now. Friends sometimes drift apart only to find each other later. You get to decide what you need to keep that door open - or if you would prefer to close it altogether.