Dear Sahaj: Hello! I’m a White American dating a Brown Canadian. We’ve been in a wonderful and loving relationship for almost two years now and can talk to each other about so much. One recurring topic involves my partner’s parents, and how they expect my partner to send them a significant amount of money (an entire paycheck!) each month to support them. This bothers me a lot, as we’re both 20-somethings struggling to get by, even with access to our full paychecks.
My partner also recently lost their job, and their parents are still demanding money be sent. I understand that expectations for children growing up in Pakistani culture are different from those in an American family, especially expectations regarding care for your elders. So, how can I help reinforce my partner’s self worth and independence, while being culturally sensitive and respectful? Should I even voice an opinion, never having experienced the same cultural pressures? All I want is for my partner to thrive.
- Concerned Partner
Concerned Partner: It bothers you, but how does your partner feel about it? Do they feel burdened by this expectation from their parents? Do they feel like their independence is stifled?
People find their value as individuals in different ways. You say you want to reinforce your partner’s self worth and then you tie it to their independence, and I want to explore - and gently challenge - this presumption. In collectivist cultures - or cultures where group harmony is often prioritized over individual needs - people may measure their self-esteem based on the family or community they participate within, and the role they play in these groups.
Even more, it’s not uncommon for people in the Asian diaspora to be expected to send money home to their parents and families out of respect and duty - known as filial piety. It’s possible that your partner feels good about themself when they can give back to their parents or when they are upholding certain cultural norms with which they were raised. This doesn’t mean that it’s not impacting them, but the root of what makes your partner feel valuable may be different from what you think.
So before you can help reinforce your partner’s self-esteem and self-worth, explore what builds their self-esteem and self-worth. This may be initiating a conversation like, “I wonder if you feel a sense of pride in being able to send your parents money. I’d love to hear more about that.” Or even simply, “How does it make you feel to have to send money to your parents?” You want to be curious and nonjudgmental about how your partner feels about their parent’s expectations. By doing this, you can deepen your relationship and understanding of your partner’s internal world, and it may help you both find a compromise about how much to send back to their family that feels doable while honoring their desire to uphold this role in their family.
That said, you are clearly worried about your partner’s financial situation, and to avoid a buildup of resentment, you should definitely address this. This may be, “I know taking care of your parents is important to you, but I am worried that you are stretching yourself too thin right now. Can we talk about this?” I do wonder if your partner has told their parents they lost their job, or if they struggle to honor their needs generally when it comes to their parents’ requests. There may be deeper-seeded struggles at play, and a culturally sensitive therapist could be a useful resource to share with your partner.
Of course, each of you should feel autonomy over how you spend your money, but if you are sharing expenses or planning to spend your life together, then it’s time for a larger conversation about finances. This may sound like: “Can we spend some time talking about our financial goals?” This will help you both focus on your life goals and how you can get there, creating an inroad into addressing where your money goes right now. You will also want to take some time to consider what your partner’s vision for the future means for you long term. Are you okay with their financial generosity being a part of your relationship? Is it a dealbreaker?
You are thinking about the right things, especially as it relates to respecting your differing cultural values and norms. An open and nonjudgmental conversation with your partner can help you both bridge these differences so you’re on the same page.