Q: My daughter is a highly educated and beautiful girl. She has a great job and recently became a rich widow. My problem is she has a man living with her and my grandson. He is physically, mentally and socially very inferior to her.
She is a doctor, and he does not have a college degree. In fact, he assembles bikes at Walmart. My husband, two sons and their wives are doctors as well. His sister is a single mother and is a waitress - no high school degree - and his mother is a dental hygienist.
This is not a good fit for our family, and I am afraid he is a moocher. Any advice will be very much appreciated. And yes we do look askance at low-educated types.
- Worried Mother
A: You are judging your daughter’s new partner based on one definition of success and worth - education and money. But not everyone uses that sole metric to define success. Is he happy? Is he a hard worker? Is he a good person? Do his values feel honorable? Does he treat your daughter and grandson well?
What he does is less important than who he is. Do you have any proof or evidence to support your fear that he is “a moocher”? If so, you may want to have a frank conversation with your daughter, but what seems more likely is that you are making assumptions and judgments based on his family and job.
It’s striking to me that you don’t even refer to him as anything other than the man “living with her.” You may disapprove of what he does, or his family background, but I certainly hope that you are still treating him with respect and kindness. If not, what makes you any better than the assumptions you are making about him?
By proclaiming that “this is not a good fit,” you allude to a concern of how this may look to other people. That shouldn’t be more important than your daughter’s happiness. Your question even suggests that your beliefs are most important, and are shared with your other family members. Does your whole family “look askance at low-educated types,” or is that your projection?
This man may not be what you wanted for your daughter, but what’s really important is what your daughter wants. If she is happy, then you ultimately have two choices. Continue to look down on her partner and create a chasm between you two that may become irreversible, or work toward adjusting your mind-set and expectations to embrace him and deepen a relationship with your daughter.
Q: I got divorced at 31 and am single with no kids. I have dated on and off but was not able to develop any good relationships.
The men who wanted to date or marry me were not what I liked - either the connection was not there, they had kids from previous families, or they did not have their career/life in place, etc. The ones whom I liked did not like me back. There was mutual interest with three men but, due to external third-party reasons, we could not develop a relationship.
I am scared I am getting too old to find love in my life.
- Single and Scared
A: I’m struck that your question is not a question at all, but rather, it’s a series of experiences that all point to a core belief you have internalized about yourself: “I’m too old to find love.” We often learn these core beliefs at a young age. We learn to fear being incompetent, unworthy, unattractive and too old.
You’re not too old for love. Your fear that you are is a compilation of all the things you’ve probably been told - from family and society - about relationships, marriage and a certain timeline on how your life should look. Your subconscious has not only internalized this limiting belief but has also skewed your experiences to create evidence confirming this belief. You don’t think you’ll find love, and because you haven’t found love, you believe you are too old to find love. It’s a sticky, ugly cycle.
This self-limiting belief can make you feel powerless. If you don’t think you will find love, you may not be putting the energy out that you deserve love. I also wonder if your divorce contributes to your fears. Even if it was the right decision, it can be hard to accept the end of a relationship and fear the uncertainty of what’s to come. You can’t change what your past relationships have been like, but you can focus on how you want to move forward. Are you comparing yourself to those around you? Do you have dating patterns you can identify? Are you enjoying your singlehood and doing what you want to do? How are you nurturing platonic love? Familial love? Self-love?
You are growing every day, and focusing on that journey can make room for a romantic love you seek while also not relying on it to be happy and content. Remember: A love that fills your cup, cheers you on, holds you close and lights up your life is not reserved to romantic love.