DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am openly gay, as my family and friends have known for years. I have received an invitation from a close family member for a wedding to be held in a church that has taken public anti-gay positions.
I was offended when I saw where it would be held. This is not the couple’s home church; it is a destination wedding. Clearly, there has been no thought to the impact of the selected venue on LGBTQ+ guests or their supporters.
I do not plan to attend the event, using the cost of travel as an excuse. Still, I am bothered by the lack of consideration on the part of the wedding couple and their families.
Is there a polite way to raise the issue with them?
GENTLE READER: Although she fully understands your wish to protest the church’s policy, Miss Manners is not confident that you understood that you were choosing between two distasteful options: missing your relative’s wedding or stifling your own discomfort while attending.
So, no -- there is no way to raise your grievance politely, as you would be revealing that you chose Principle over Family -- a decision that may not be as clear-cut to the bridal couple as it is to you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When receiving personal calls, I appreciate it when the caller begins, “Do you have a few moments?” or “Is this a good time to talk?” Among friends and relatives, we often text or email to schedule “phone dates” to be prepared for a lengthy call.
But how can one politely respond when an acquaintance phones at an inconvenient time and immediately embarks on a lengthy discussion about the latest in his/her life? This does not apply, of course, to calls about a crisis, such as severe illness or death.
GENTLE READER: If it is an inconvenient time, do not answer the telephone.
Miss Manner realizes this goes against every modern instinct, but etiquette, along with common sense, does not require you to be available for small talk every minute of every day.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father has started pressuring me to provide a job referral for my brother at my workplace. I work in management in a specific industry, and my brother is trying to break into that industry.
Unfortunately, my brother does not have the basic skills needed, and he is a very difficult person to work with. He won’t be successful in any role at my workplace.
I’ve been sidestepping the request, but the pressure is mounting. What is the most tactful way to say I won’t be providing a job referral for my brother, while avoiding straining family ties?
GENTLE READER: That we are talking about your brother means both that your father already knows how difficult he can be -- and that he will not accept that as a reason for your washing your hands of the matter.
Miss Manners recommends a constructive distraction instead: Tell your brother what he needs to do to become qualified for the position he seeks. That could be applying to schools for training or finding more experience-appropriate work -- something that, if pursued, really will improve his suitability. But also something that requires activity on his part, which, if neglected, will let you off the hook.