Q: It is clear that a friend’s teen daughter manipulates her mother. The other sibling (it’s a family of three, no dad), has grown apart from the mother and daughter. As a close confidant, I can’t bring myself to point out the obvious cause, because that’s not me and the mom is so blinded by her need to “help” the attention-seeking behaviors of the younger teen that she’d never see it for what it is.
My friend is perpetually overwhelmed and exasperated by the teen and reaches out all the time for advice and to vent. Any ideas on how to tell her the truth as observed from afar? My gut instincts are that my friend is being played by her teen and has been since the divorce. I know she’s doing her best, but I worry about how the other child feels now and will feel in the future.
A: Oh boy, this is a tough one. It’s hard to sit on the outside and watch the complex dynamics of a family, and it is even harder to imagine what is happening in the heads of three people. We also need to remember that when it comes to the complexities of family and divorce, the “truth” can be elusive.
You are asking how to tell your friend “the truth” but I would like you to consider that you don’t need to tell her the truth about anything. You are allowed to stay in your lane, compassionately listen, give it five minutes and move the conversation along. By allowing your friend to continually complain to you, she isn’t changing her own behavior nor is she supporting either child. She is running in place, and you can stop your end of the cycle. The easiest way to do this is to say, “Friend, I love you and your kids, and I know you’re struggling. The same behaviors keep happening, and I think it is time for you to find someone who understands teens, divorce and these behaviors.” Keep repeating this and holding your boundary; it may hurt your friendship for a bit, but it could ultimately lead to a greater good.
If you’re still bothered that you’re not being honest about her teen’s behavior, consider the possibility that what you are seeing isn’t the whole story. Try to understand this child rather than judge her. If you talk to any adult who misbehaved as a teen (especially after a separation or divorce) they will rarely tell you, “I just randomly became a total jerk.” Most adults will tell you that they didn’t know what to do with their hard feelings during those teen years - that they felt out of control, lonely, scared, anxious or depressed. It’s possible this teen really is manipulating her already-struggling mother. But it’s more likely that her “attention-seeking behaviors” are a manifestation of her own emotional turmoil. And it is not uncommon in a family for one child to be labeled as the “bad” child while the other is the “good” one. The more problematic one child is, the more invisible the other child becomes. That doesn’t mean one is suffering more than the other.
The more you understand why a teen may be acting like this, the more likely you are to treat her and the mother with compassion. Get in the practice of asking your friend thoughtful questions as well as validating her frustration, anger and worry. For instance, if your friend complains: “Tamara won’t stop lying about her homework and where she’s been all afternoon. I am so sick of it and don’t know what to do; what do you think?” You could meet her exasperation with your disgust, or you could say, “This is really hard, I know you are worried. It must feel scary to not know where she is,” and then listen. See where the conversation goes, and then add, “I wonder what has worked in the past to connect with her.” You can point out where a boundary may be useful, but I really don’t think your advice is going to land. Keep guiding her toward reaching for professional help.
Finally, if you are nearby, offer tangible help. Take the older, quieter teen out for dinner and keep it lighthearted. Offer to hang out with both teens and give the mom a break. Text the teens, or offer the mom to come visit you with the kids. Just be a friend rather than an armchair therapist. Find your lane, and stay compassionate; this family needs to find their path on their own. Good luck.