Q: I am a 33-year-old White American who is currently in a long-distance relationship with a fellow from India. We met online and have been dating for six months via video chats and daily messages. We both work in the medical field and have very similar values. I’ve virtually met many of his family but not his parents, whom I will meet in person when I visit India later this year.
He just received his visa to visit me here in the United States, and he really wants to meet my family. I want this too, but my family is conservative Christian, and once they found out I was online dating there were concerns. Since they learned that he is Hindu, there have been weekly talks over religion and culture. They say phrases like “you eat HIS food,” “wear HIS clothes,” “listen to HIS music,” “you’re not even you anymore” and that “he just wants a green card,” even though he has a great medical career and would prefer to stay in India.
Yes, I have been primarily only eating and cooking Indian food. He sent me Indian clothes that I enjoy wearing when I don’t have to wear my work scrubs, and, yes, Hindi music and movies are usually on in the background. My Hindi is even improving along with my Indian cooking skills, but my Bollywood dance moves are still boxy, much to his amusement.
The first few times I video-called him with my family, they were friendly. However, within the last few weeks they will literally cover their faces, leave the room, or tell me that if I plan on video-calling him while visiting to not bother.
Having my parents’ blessing is important for both of us, but I don’t know how to ease my family into the idea that this relationship, and potentially getting married and moving to India, is MY choice as an adult. He knows my family doesn’t like the fact that he is Hindu, but he wants to meet me here in the United States before I meet his parents. I feel like I’m stuck between two worlds. I don’t want to lose my family over a man I’ve never actually met, but at the same time I really enjoy our friendship and the relationship we’re building. Is there any way to introduce my Indian fellow to my family without his visit ending abruptly or me losing my sanity in this process?
- An American in Love With an Indian
A: Given your family’s comments, their concern seems rooted in two things: They are unsupportive of you being with someone who doesn’t share in their cultural or religious identity, and they are genuinely worried about how you are changing to be in this relationship. Six months is not that long, and because their support matters to you, it may benefit you to start with one thing at a time, rather than everything at once.
When you address their fears about you dating someone who is different from them, you must also accept that you may not change their mind. When they mention religion or culture, it may come from a fear that what is important to them is being challenged. They may be worried that your faith is being tested, or they may assume that because he’s from abroad, he has ill intentions for wanting to be with you. If they don’t have an open mind about where he’s from or how you met, it makes sense that it scares them. Even more, if they aren’t willing to open their mind, they may never accept something that doesn’t fit with their judgmental beliefs.
Knowing this, you can still try to have honest conversations with your family about your relationship with your religion and your relationship with your partner. Right now, they are seeing signs that say “no longer cares about religion” or “being taken advantage of by a stranger.” This may take time, and may require you to repeat yourself, but by addressing these fears and sharing more on how you feel and what you want, you can attempt to challenge the story they have created about your partner or people like him.
When your family says “you’re not even you anymore,” be curious about what they mean. It sounds as though they are genuinely concerned you are losing yourself in this relationship. There’s a difference between embracing and appreciating someone else’s culture and adopting it as if it’s your own. In intercultural relationships, it’s important to find a balance between each culture being visible and integrated, and neither culture being invisible or hypervisible. While what’s most important is that you and your partner are on the same page about what feels appropriate and appreciative, consider how this may seem to your family. Based on your question, it seems as though they are getting bombarded with his culture. Don’t get me wrong; I’m Indian, and we have a beautiful culture, but if one day you were never into Indian food, clothes, movies, or dance and then the next day you are immersed in everything Indian, it can feel confusing and worrisome.
You can acknowledge their anxieties about this by saying, “I hear that you are worried, and I understand that. I’m here to answer your questions.” Also, consider what you like about your partner besides his culture, and find ways to integrate these qualities into your conversations with your family. For example, maybe he has something in common with your dad, or maybe there’s a quality in him that you admire and think they will too.
Though you may feel frustrated that your family isn’t just happy for you, you may have to intentionally slow down and meet them where they are to get them on board. This means agreeing ahead of time when finding times they can talk to him on the phone, rather than expecting them to always be available to talk to him just because you’re in the same room. Or scaling back how much you expect them to embrace Indian culture just because you do. Or it may even mean first dealing with his visit, and whether they should even be a part of the first time you meet him in person, rather than discussing your potential marriage and subsequent move to India.
Having your parents’ blessing is important, but be mindful that it may not come as soon as you want it - or at all. Ultimately, you have to be honest with yourself about what is important to you and whether you are okay with continuing on in this relationship without your family’s support.