DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was diagnosed with a rare and highly aggressive form of cancer, which is at stage 4 and has spread to multiple organs. Because of its rarity, there has not been a lot of research done, and the prognosis is grim.
I’ve been blessed with a ton of support from family and friends with meals, prayers, calls, letters, etc. And while I have tremendous appreciation, I’m never sure how best to respond to well-wishers who say things like, “You’re going to beat this, I just know you will,” or “With modern medicine, you’re sure to get through this.”
I don’t want to go into a detailed explanation of my diagnosis, and also don’t want to rule out a miracle. So I’m at a loss as how to gracefully respond.
GENTLE READER: “Wouldn’t that be wonderful.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the third daughter in a family of seven children -- six daughters and one son, with my brother being the youngest. Anytime it is disclosed that my brother was the last child born, someone will say something along the lines of, “Wow, they must have really wanted that boy!”
I understand that people think they are just making conversation, but it is crass at best, and increasingly insulting as one goes down the line of girls who had to be “tolerated” in order to get the golden son.
This used to infuriate my father so much that he started replying, “No, I just really love to have sex with my wife” in order to shock people into silence. It was effective, but equally crass.
Can you provide a response that would answer the question truthfully (they were not trying for a boy, they just loved having a large family) and politely, while also giving some indication that the question itself is insulting and intrusive?
GENTLE READER: “I’m not sure I understand. Of course they wanted all of us. Could you explain to me exactly why you assume otherwise?”
Miss Manners hopes that feigning this kind of ignorance will be enough to make rude people realize how crass they are being. And if they are bold enough to continue? At least you will have fun watching them stumble through an awkward explanation.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response when a co-worker says they will be taking time off, but doesn’t say why?
My inclination is to say something like, “I hope you enjoy your time off,” but for all I know, they may be taking time off for a funeral or other unfortunate event. It seems rude to say nothing, especially since I work in an industry that does not encourage people to take time off.
I dislike this aspect of my workplace culture, and I want to be supportive of people who are using their vacation/leave. But I also don’t want to say something insensitive. So, what do you suggest I say?
GENTLE READER: How about being supportive by recognizing that it is not your business how they spend their time off? If you want to help, Miss Manners suggests asking, “Is there anything you need me to do while you are away?”