Dear Meghan: Do you have any advice for setting appropriate boundaries with a sensory-seeking 4½-year-old? My son definitely needs a good roughhousing as part of sensory input and although my husband does this nightly with him after dinner, our son will often try to initiate rough play when it’s not appropriate (when my husband just wants to relax on the couch, for example).
Words often don’t seem to work that well to get him to back off. I’m not sure whether physically separating one’s self from the situation is the only option or if there are other tactics that might work well for explaining the what-when of roughhousing and how to get him to calm down when it’s not appropriate.
- Roughhousing Rules
Roughhousing Rules: Thank you for writing; you are not alone in raising a child who is sensory seeking, and I know how exhausting it can be for parents. The go-to for most frustrated parents is to create rules, boundaries and even punishment for the behaviors that are deemed inappropriate, but this is going to be our first problem. Your son’s behaviors aren’t inappropriate.
The way I see it, every behavior a child exhibits is serving a need. Yup, every single behavior. Your son’s body is sending him signals related to his environment (too loud, too quiet, too wet, too dry) and his need to sensory-seek is his best approach to self-regulate these impulses that are coming from inside the body. Though everyone knows about the five senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, smell), there are also other senses that could be affecting your son’s sense of safety. These are the vestibular senses (related to gravity and movement) and proprioceptive senses (related to position and movement of muscles and joints). He isn’t trying to be “inappropriate” or rude when everyone is ready to rest and he wants to be thrown off the couch. Looking for ways to support and understand him and his impulses will lead to more peace.
I don’t blame you for trying to set boundaries first. Our culture truly does not have an understanding of how deeply the body affects children’s behavior, not to mention how we still try to simply speak rationally to 4½-year-olds. Generally speaking, 4-year-old children with sensory sensitivities don’t tend to listen to adult logic and simply “behave better.” Clear routines, deep connections, reasonable boundaries, visual cues, repetition and lots of play are the way to help a 4-year-old understand what they should or shouldn’t be doing. Even with all of that, a 4-year-old has a mind of their own.
As you’ve already expressed, words aren’t working, so it is time to seek out more support. Make an appointment with your pediatrician and begin to dig a bit into this sensory seeking behavior. Is your son showing signs of this everywhere or just at home? Is it only at certain hours of the day or all the time? Is it after certain food? Is he getting enough sleep, good food and movement during the day? Keeping a log will help everyone you meet with, and could even lead to other ideas for how to help him. Using a checklist like the one from Sensory Smart Parent will also help focus what you’re seeing.
I would also recommend working with your pediatrician to find a good occupational therapist who specializes in sensory needs. An occupational therapist will put your son through a battery of tests that will help assess the best therapies for him and, best of all, they will train you to have a regimen at home. Yes, this can feel overwhelming and tiring, but it is better to make changes to the environment that make everyone’s life easier rather than punish your son for impulses he simply cannot control. Small trampolines, swings, scooters and other activities that regulate his nervous system will feel like a relief to both you and your child.
Finally, be prepared for the process of figuring out what your son needs to be a winding one. There are many associated diagnoses that go along with sensory issues (autism, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder), and it’s just as frequent that a human is just sensitive! Please find support by joining other parents who are in this world. Surrounding yourself with parents who “get it” is a balm for the parenting soul, as these children are often labeled as “problematic” early in their lives. A good list of resources can be found on the Sensory Smart Parent website as well as Carol Stock Kranowitz’s site. She has webinars that are an excellent source to help you understand your child, as well as other resources to help you get started. Good luck.