Q: My son, 26, had a five-month relationship three years ago with a young woman (similar age) who was very secretive about her life. My son, who had never really had any girlfriends prior, kept giving her the benefit of the doubt instead of recognizing her red flags and asking questions. She basically dumped him without a reason and was not willing to meet with him to discuss for him to have closure.
Now he says he feels betrayed and traumatized and doesn’t know how to trust any other women or trust himself not to fall for this type of girl again. He says he wants to get “trauma” counseling but doesn’t do anything about moving forward. Our family has tried to help him in understanding that she wasn’t a good person for playing games with him but that not all women are like this.
My son is a wonderful person and I hate to see him sad like this. Should I mind my own business or is there something I can do to help him move forward?
- Worried Parent
A: Your son is learning a very tough lesson, especially if this was his first meaningful relationship and breakup. It makes sense that he’s questioning things; however, given how long it has been, it does sound like he is ruminating on his negative feelings.
Instead of focusing on how his ex “wasn’t a good person,” because this can sometimes lead to more dwelling on the past, I would encourage you to focus on your son’s present-day feelings, thoughts and behaviors.
You should be careful not to negate what he is feeling or try to solve his feelings for him; you don’t want to discourage his sense of agency to find solutions and support for himself. However, I am curious about the line in your letter regarding his struggle to “trust any other women” or “fall for this type of girl again.” Consider what he means when he says this and how he may be channeling his rejection, pain or even humiliation into broad overgeneralizations and even potentially harmful views.
Ask questions and offer new ways of thinking to challenge his focus on what could go wrong or negativity. This may sound like, “Do you feel like you are being fair to yourself?” Or, “Are you sure that’s the only conclusion to make from that experience?” You may also consider offering the other side of his perspective. For example, when he says something about not wanting to get hurt again, you may say something like, “What might you be missing out on by avoiding a relationship?”
Your son sounds ambivalent when it comes to doing anything to initiate change. You can reflect this back to him by saying, “You say you want to get help and stop feeling this way, but it’s been three years.” Or, “I know you are struggling and I know you don’t want to feel this way, but I wonder how anything will change. What do you think?” Sometimes, it’s easier to feel bad about something and blame ourselves than it is to take action and accept that you can experience pain from a previous relationship and believe in the possibility of finding joy and love in a different relationship.
Right now, your son has tied his sense of self to this experience. Help build up his self esteem by normalizing breakups. He needs to know that weeding through the wrong people to find the right person is something that everyone more or less navigates and that it isn’t a sign that something is wrong with him. And encourage him to partake in activities and invest in friendships that make him feel good.
It’s hard for you to see your son like this. As a parent, you want to save him from feeling pain or heartache, but unfortunately you can’t. This is an experience he has to move through himself. But this doesn’t mean you can’t be supportive and encouraging. You can tell him you are concerned matter-of-factly and without judgment. This may sound like, “I love you and know that this has been hard on you. I am worried that it is keeping you from living your life.”
Because it’s been years of him feeling this way, and he has shown interest, you may want to consider providing him with professional or mental health resources in your area or hotlines such as 988. Remember, you can be a compass and guide while he navigates this heartache without doing the work for him.