Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I've been seeing "Ted" for a couple of months. The other night a notification popped up on his phone that he had a match on Tinder. I was stunned. I thought we were exclusive. And he's using Tinder?! I confronted him immediately. He said he just is on there because it's funny, he likes the ego boost and he never even chats with girls, just likes to see who he matches with. He deleted the app right then.
But I still don't trust him and now I find myself wondering if I should even give him a second chance or just move on before he fully cheats on me. Help? Advice?
Wanda says:
Hmm ... Trust and forgive him? Move on to avoid betrayal? Hack into his email and social media accounts and search for illicit texts, naughty pictures and all other evidence that he's a cheating, egomaniacal narcissist?
So many options. Here's another one: Have a hard but important conversation with him about what you both want and need in a relationship, whether you're currently mutually satisfied and, if you aren't, what you need to get there.
Because there are a couple of red flags here. One, of course, is that he thought it was OK to maintain a presence on a dating/hook-up site when he's supposed to be with you. The second is that he is seeking external ego boosts just two months into your relationship.
Given that, I would question not only his commitment and maturity, but also your compatibility. Those first few months of a new relationship should be exciting and full of white-hot, can't-get-enough-of-each-other passion. They should not be a time where there's emotional room or desire for one partner to browse other options and seek satisfaction and self-worth from strangers.
Time to have a hard talk with your Tindering Ted. Is he happy? Are you? And can you two be happy together? If not, time to extinguish this fire and move on.
Wayne says:
Hey, take it from me: Tinder is hilarious! The over-the-top sexy and shameless comedy of those who bring their A+ photo and bio games; and the unintentional comedy of those sad folks who either don't get it, don't really try or simply shouldn't be there in the first place. But let's keep it real: Tinder is a place for hooking up. This isn't Funny or Die.
So yeah, you could talk this out with him, listen to him tell you exactly what you want to hear, watch him delete his app, blah blah blah … But really, you're wasting time you could be spending finding someone who will be good and faithful to you.
Dude is already emotionally (if not physically) cheating on you just a few months into the relationship. He's fantasizing about (if not communicating with) random women when he should be focused on winning you over. And he strikes me as one of those guys who is going to continue stealthily and creepily eyeballing any woman who walks by, whether he's with you or not. And if you aren't there to keep him in check, he'll probably try to chat up most of those women.
He's a sleazeball, a player and high-risk cheater, and he's not even good at it. You already busted him about his Tinder account. So, think you can trust him? Does he deserve a second chance? Are you going to give him another second chance when one of your friends says she spotted him flirting with another woman?
I'm all for second chances and redemption, when deserved. But I fear this is going to be a relationship filled with times that you're deciding if he gets a second chance. Get out now before he breaks your heart.
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