OPINION: We’re more resourceful than we think

The first article I wrote for the Anchorage Daily News was about homelessness. It was after I visited Bean’s Café as a part of a sociology class. While there, I sat at a table with those being served, rather than my classmates who all sat together. They glanced over at me from time to time, while we were eating, probably wondering what the heck I was doing. I felt morally superior for my willingness to sit with the lowly. Truthfully, there was a part of me that identified more with those who were struggling. There was a resonance and comfort level within me. I used the experience to temporarily fill a hole in my self-esteem, and write an article about how we should all be so non-judgmental. In my immaturity, I thought it was enough to just share my “enlightened” opinion, and point out how wrong everyone else was, and then change would happen automatically.

Change is hard. The only people we can really change is ourselves. And then, maybe we will have an impact on those within our sphere of influence. It’s not enough to just share opinions. And we can’t give up discernment, which is a healthy form of judgment. Acceptance of others’ behavior has its limits, and so does giving. When I look at all of the programs that have been implemented to try to pull people out of the ruts they have slipped into, I’m not convinced of the effectiveness. In some ways, I think it’s just created a myth about some outer savior who has the ability to come save us.

The social/human service industry is rooted in good intention. But, I sometimes question the overall efficacy. I’ve been a professional helper for most of my adult life. Most of us who come to this field do so with a smidge, or a bucketload, of codependency. We want a better world for ourselves, so we try to change other people. We need help, so we become the helper. One counselor told me she got into the field because she liked knowing things about human psychology that other people didn’t. The wounded healer is an age-old archetype and a necessary role. We have to keep it in check though. None of us are as good as we pretend to be.

I believed my own hype for a long time. It was too painful for my ego to look at my own shadows, so I became adept at dissecting other people’s problems and trying to fix them. It gave me a sense of purpose but, in the end, just created a mess. It kind of reminds me of the Dr. Seuss story, The Cat in the Hat. What started as a small mess created by the clever cat, got bigger and bigger the more he applied solutions. If the kids in the story had just done the work assigned to them, instead of looking for an easy way proposed by a smooth-talking stranger, they could have saved themselves a lot of hassle.

I wonder about the correct balance between personal responsibility and social services. Some services, like road maintenance, are a necessity. But if we were to examine every service that has been put in place over the past 30 years or so, which ones would prove to be effective in terms of creating a better society? Where do we empower people and where do we enable? Where do we give false hope, which leads people to time wasted (waiting for a savior), or to anger against a world that’s not working for them. Someone should fix it!

I heard it said that the biggest challenge of the next generation will be to overcome victimhood. This is a tall order, because it doesn’t appear that my future grandchildren will inherit the same world that I was given. Life has always been hard for people. But it seems to have gotten even more challenging. Or maybe it’s just the myth that life should be easy that is crippling people.

Some people truly are victims. A child born into an abusive family will have a harder road than many. A woman who conceives a child with an abusive or neglectful mate will surely struggle. A boy who has been sexually abused will likely grow into a man who is angry and confused. Some people are born with a mountain in front of them. The stoics say the obstacle is the way. But not everyone makes it.

Can we move mountains for people? I don’t think so. Often, the best we can do is make our own lives as functional as possible, creating a foundation that’s strong enough to handle an additional load if others come knocking at our door. If we’re standing solidly on our own two feet, we might have enough strength and resources to help another. While it might feel good to say “it’s those with the least who give the most.” That’s not really how it goes.

I remember the days of feeling like a victim. And, in some ways, I was one. We all have to deal with the circumstances of the field we grow in, and the limitations of life experience. No one falls down because they want to. Generally, people do the best they can with what they have and know. The path I walked as a young woman was not easy. But it was made more difficult by the victim story. Poor me.

There is a fine line. Because people usually can’t break the spell of victim consciousness until they have been fully witnessed, seen and validated for the truth of their experience. Some things wound deeply, and we don’t help people by telling them to just toughen up. You wouldn’t tell someone in a wheelchair to just get up and walk. And trauma can be paralyzing. But we also don’t help people by indiscriminately accepting dysfunctional behavior, or by encouraging the repetition and regurgitation of old trauma stories. At some point, the medicine of telling our stories becomes poisonous. Old stories told past their expiration date perpetuate suffering.

At one time people knew the universal truth that life includes some suffering. People knew that if you wanted to eat you had to participate in the hunting and gathering. Generally, people didn’t expect something for nothing. And those who did land on the vagabond path had a certain level of acceptance about their social status. Acceptance is half the battle. I still believe we should look at everyone as sovereign human beings. I just think we need to do away with the myth of being able to save everybody, or that there’s only one acceptable way of living. We can’t really know the needs of another soul. We do need boundaries, though.

While I do believe in the power of prayer and that our thoughts create reality, nothing much changes until we roll up our sleeves. It’s obvious that our society is crumbling. I’m grown enough to know that the decay of false systems is actually a blessing. Whether it’s our own egoic personas, a family or community that tiptoes around lies or unspoken truths. A nation that is propped up by mounds of paper. People that have abandoned personal responsibility. Weak foundations will break eventually.

I appreciate the breaking in my own life. Though it’s hard at times, my nervous system won’t let me live with lies. It tells me, immediately when I’m off track. When I entertain situations that do not align with who I really am. When I wear a fake face or go along to get along. When I put my faith in systems, rather than my own intuition. When I start to blame others or seek escape rather than doing the hard work of changing, life kicks my butt. Thank goodness.

Facing all the ways we’ve been lied to, or have lied (especially to ourselves), is brutal but freeing. It’s a sweet thought to think that some program, a system, a medical intervention, or another person will fix everything for us. But it’s a myth. I am convinced of the need for strong individuals. Self-sufficiency. No one can do it all alone, and we absolutely should seek help when needed, or lend a hand when we can. But we have to be honest about the limitations of shiny programs or people who offer ready-made solutions. Life is too complex for that and putting too much faith in outer solutions just prolongs suffering. Inner work is where it’s at.

None of us get out of here alive. But life is only worthwhile if you claim it fully. Warts and all. You have ancestors who survived saber tooth tigers. Bears. Famine. Depression. Pandemics. If you want to live fully, don’t make pain the enemy. Actively participate in your own self-discovery. There are skilled people who can help you navigate, and it’s good to ask for their help, but the journey is yours only. It can take years to unlearn patterns of conditioning. Cry it out, get mad, tell your tales. And then give up the belief that things should have been or should be different. Accept what is and look for the possibility of what could be. There will be hardships in life no matter which path you choose. No one is coming to save you.

Chantelle Pence is an author from Chistochina, AK.

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