Two years ago, we used this space to call for the Alaska Legislature to oust the willow ptarmigan in favor of the raven as Alaska’s state bird. We like to own up to our mistakes, and so we now admit that editorial was in error.
But not for the reason you might think.
You see, the issue is not that one bird is better than the other. It’s that neither exists at all. Birds aren’t real.
As online sleuths have discovered, what we call birds are nothing but a crude facsimile, the originals having been systematically exterminated more than half a century ago by our own government. It was an extermination on a massive scale, numbering in the billions. But why would the government perpetrate such a mass killing? The answer is as simple as it is chilling: to establish a nationwide covert drone surveillance network disguised as the feathered visitors we would never suspect.
This is the dirty secret you likely never suspected when you went out birdwatching: The “birds” were watching you, too. Their habit of perching on power lines provides convenient cover for recharging. Their habit of defecating on your car provides a visual indicator for easier tracking in motion.
But wouldn’t such a program be impossibly expensive and complex, you ask? Well, it’s surprising how much you can conceal when $714 billion of our nation’s annual discretionary spending is devoted to the Department of Defense. Indeed, once you reconcile the fact that what we know as birds are cameras with wings, things spring into sharper focus.
The mainstream media won’t give this story the attention it deserves, of course. They call the efforts of those trying to shine a light on it “satire” and “a gag.” Those whose eyes have been opened, however, can see right through that chicanery.
Of course, it isn’t as though birds have been eradicated worldwide. Although other nations may well have embarked on their own surveillance operations, the U.S. is the only one to have carried the scheme through to near-complete bird replacement. This explains the — relatively small — populations of migratory waterfowl, as well as upland birds in states near Canada, which are still successfully hunted for food. As these real birds are interlopers from other countries, it’s actually in the government’s best interest for them to provide cover for the operation — and to be periodically removed via hunting.
So what’s to be done? Your best hope to guard against bird surveillance is defensive measures: spike strips along rooflines. Curtains up at home. If you can afford it, wire mesh along the insides of your walls to form a Faraday cage that will defeat wireless signals passing in and out. If that solution proves too costly for you, a simple hat fashioned from tin foil will accomplish the same purpose for your head, to keep the “birds” from recognizing or even manipulating your brain patterns.
Above all, keep watching the skies. You never know what might be staring back at you.