Dear Annie: My daughter recently and courageously moved across the country to the city her godmother lives in. I chose this friend to be her god mom based on what I thought was a beautiful bond the two had with each other. I adopted my daughter when she was in her late teens after a heck of a time in the foster care system. My friend gave my daughter a dear nickname early on and lavished praise on her to no end. Fast-forward 15 years later, and my daughter obtained a master’s degree, bought herself a new car, has great credit and is otherwise doing well.
Because my daughter has no rental history, the management company at the apartment she applied to wanted a co-signer. My daughter decided to ask her godmother to co-sign for her, adding, “I have significant cash that I could give to you to hold until you could be removed as co-signer.” Her godmother replied, “No. I won’t be doing that. Welcome to adulting.”
When my daughter shared this with me I was floored! I immediately told my daughter that I would co-sign myself, which, of course, I did.
Annie, am I wrong to be offended to the point of no longer wanting contact with my “friend”? I am shocked and disgusted at how she treated my daughter. No reasoning, no discussion, no contact with me to ask me anything about it. A few weeks later, she sent my daughter a text as if nothing was wrong.
I thought about talking to her about this but frankly can’t imagine what she could say to me that would make how she handled this OK. I feel like I don’t know who she is anymore. Am I being unreasonable cutting this “friend” off?
-- Godmother Goes Awry
Dear Godmother Goes Awry: I would certainly talk to your friend before jumping to any conclusions. Everyone has a different parenting philosophy; clearly hers is “sink or swim.” Perhaps she thinks she is doing your daughter a service by forcing her to figure things out for herself. Or perhaps she doesn’t have the money. Another good guess is that, like many people, she has an inordinate fear of financial commitments. Their attitude is, “Anything to do with money, or signing a contract, forget about it.” This seems possible because your daughter offered to give her the cash as security, and she did not want any part of anything to do with this.
Regardless of the explanation, it seems that your friend and your daughter have a unique relationship, and you should do all you can to keep it intact.
More importantly, how does your daughter feel about her godmother’s response? If she is upset, you should encourage the two of them to have a conversation as well. If she’s not upset, then you should certainly let it go.
Dear Annie: My son is getting married in a year. He has sent out save the dates to family and friends. He sent one to his cousin and his cousin’s fiancee.
Two months later, the same cousin and fiancee sent out wedding invites for their own wedding (taking place two months before my son’s) and did not include my son’s fiancee. I spoke with my nephew to see what happened. He said it was a mistake but he would need to wait to see if others reply no before inviting my soon-to-be daughter-in-law. It is going to be a fairly large wedding, and I feel like my nephew should remedy the situation now and not later. At this point, if my son’s fiancee is not invited, then the rest of our immediate family, including myself, do not want to attend my nephew’s wedding.
-- Irritated Aunt
Dear Irritated Aunt: Your nephew’s logic doesn’t make much sense. If it was a mistake that your son’s fiancee never got her invite, then it shouldn’t really matter how the other guests RSVP. I would speak to your son directly about the matter, and then have him reach out to his cousin and explain why it’s important for his fiancee to receive an invite sooner rather than later.