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Alaska, I’m breaking up with you

  • Author: Amanda Boozenny
    | Opinion
  • Updated: April 11
  • Published April 10

(Bill Roth / ADN file photo)

Dear Alaska,

I loved you so much, I would have done anything for you. Then you gave criminals more rights than me. I'm a little surprised that you did not try harder to protect the jobs of those who pay for your streets and those who protect your streets. I'm a little surprised by how little you value your police officers, paramedics, teachers, oil workers and fishermen.

Instead, you steal from me, you help others steal from me, you bind the hands of those who can help me. Maybe you have been told you were majestic just one too many times. Pristine snow, milky rivers the color of the brightest blue in the Caribbean, dancing northern lights in the night sky. Moose, bears, caribou, wolves, lynx, eagles, whales, salmon will never make up for the fact that you cheated on me.

Alaska, once my lover, after all the lawyers, police officers, engineers, teachers, bankers and other honest people have given up on you, all that will be left are the criminal junkies you protected to save a dollar. I can't even imagine why I ever put up with thieves stealing my mail, breaking into my cars (WHILE I WAS HOME WITH MY BABIES), drive-by shootings in the better parts of town. Not to mention your bitter attitude between Halloween and Mother's Day, the extra money I pay for skin lotion during those months, tanning, happy lights, two sets of tires every year, airline tickets. Oh, the airline tickets.

Every year I spend far too large a percentage of my yearly income to admit on tickets just to avoid you. When I get home, you whisper sweet promises of long days camping and fishing with my family. Those sweet promises are taken away all too soon. You rained on my Charlie Daniels, Crystal Gale and even Pat Benatar. We all know you have your dark side (18.5 hours of darkness in Anchorage to be exact). I do not envy those who tolerate 24 hours of darkness and negative-degree weather for months at a time. I guess they loved you more than I ever did.

Gone are the days of Jon Krakauer, John Muir. Gone are the days of beauty and simplicity. They too left when some discovered it's far too easy to sell Vicodin and Everclear in villages for over 10 times their retail value.

I am leaving you. You can keep your criminals and junkies you love so much. You can keep your long, dark cold. You can keep your stupid sweater. Everyone in Alaska has the same sweater anyway. They bought it at Costco. NOBODY should ever have to pay $8.99 for a basket of tasteless strawberries, EVER!

All my friends have left because of you. That's it, I am done, I am leaving you, Alaska. Don't even bother filing for joint custody of the children. They will forget you ever existed after they discover what a roadside fruit stand is.

If you ever decide to get your act together, call me.

So much love,

Alaskan

Amanda Boozenny is a full-time Anchorage stay-at-home mom and part-time work-from-home entrepreneur backyard hobby farmer/poultry breeder and landlord. She and her husband are still trying to decide whether to move to Montana, Washington or Oregon.

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