Dear Wanda and Wayne,
I'm a golfer; my wife is not. This has been one of the keys to our long, happy marriage -- two or three times a week in the summer, I go golfing. She spends that time with friends or in our home office working on her side business. Being apart helps us appreciate the time we spend together. Now that our kids are in college, we take winter vacations to warm places where I can golf and she can hang out in a spa. When we meet afterward, we're both relaxed and happy.
But after the Tiger Woods scandal, my wife is now making an odd issue out of my golf time. It started last month when we were in Mexico. On my way out of the condo to the golf course, she told me to "have fun with your girlfriend." We both laughed about it, since the Tiger Woods press conference was all over the news that morning.
Spring is almost here and I've been itching to get back on the course more regularly. My friends and I have been hitting balls at the driving range. Whenever I leave the house, she brings up the "girlfriend" line. The kids heard it when they were home for spring break and everyone got a big laugh out of it. I didn't find it all that funny, but I played along.
We've never questioned one another's commitment to our relationship. I'm not sure if she's trying to be funny or really has an issue with me being away. Am I being too sensitive? Is she being silly or passive aggressive? Should I even bring this up?
-- In The Rough
Wanda says,
What is with all you letter writers in otherwise happy relationships who are afraid to talk to your partners about the most ridiculous things -- Super Bowl party conflicts, aversions to Valentine's Day, dogs in bed and now the Tiger Woods scandal ...? Are these really your worst problems people? Do you really need Wayne and Wanda to talk you through this? Because if that's the case, lucky you!
As Wanda's dear mother used to say, when little Wanda refused to eat her asparagus: There are starving children in Ethiopia. Now I'm not saying that just because other people are suffering more; you're not entitled to your own suffering. I resent being told to cheer up simply because someone else has it worse. But here's the thing: You are not suffering. You don't have problems. You have a lovely wife, your kids are out of the house and you can afford to golf frequently and take exotic vacations.
So buck up camper, and stop bothering advice columnists with your non-issues. If you're bored, polish your nine-iron instead -- perhaps shortly after politely asking your wife if she'd stop making the girlfriend joke, kissing her on the cheek and then changing the subject to which four-star restaurant she'd care to dine at tonight. Sheesh.
Wayne says,
Well it appears that Wanda has decided to play my role of the snarky, cold-blooded, straight-shooting and occasionally bitter advice columnist this week. So for one week only, I'll attempt to take on her usual part as the positive, thoughtful, supportive and state-school educated advice columnist. Uh-hum, here we go ...
Good sir, I feel for you from the deepest corners of my heart. It is always painful when love goes awry, but particularly sorrowful (is that even a word?) when longtime partners begin to lose their bearings.
In times like this, though, perhaps it is best to look in the mirror first. When was the last time you surprised your wife with a special date night? When was the last time you invited her to the golf course with you? When was the last time you skipped golf to go to the spa with her?
Your wife is clearly sending a message, passive-aggressive as it may be. So answer the call. For one afternoon put down the clubs and pick up some flowers. Surprise her. Romance her. You'll find that when you woo her again, she'll feel appreciated again. And the more you smother her with your love, the more likely she'll be to push you out of the house and back onto the golf course!
Man, that was easy. But it's awfully difficult being nice, hopeful, helpful and stuff. Wanda -- I know how much you dig role play and all, but can we bring our relationship back to normal next week? Thanks.
• Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.