DOES ANYONE REALLY CARE? . . . What have we come to? A columnist for the Atlantic magazine, a classy journal read by high-minded people (which means, not Ear), ran the following paragraph on its website Wednesday:
"Bristol and Levi are on the outs again. Mercede and Lanesia both deny that Levi has another baby on the way. I really want them all to go on Maury. And then I want Sarah cross-examined on Judge Judy. The only person qualified to interview Sarah Palin on national television is Judge Judy. She has experience with blizzards of lies and non-sequiturs."
The Divine Appendage understands it's intended to be sarcastic and witty. Still, that the Atlantic is following/publishing this drivel cannot be a good thing for the future of civilization.
Although, the Judge Judy idea is really sort of attractive.
SUSPENSE ENDS . . . Darlings, Ear was moved to tears by the plaintive cry from Don Young, Congressman for All Alaskans Who Voted for Him, when someone pointed out that "declining prosecution" is not the same thing as "innocent." (Earwigs will have noticed the feds dropped their four-year investigation of Don on Wednesday.)
"I wish somebody would say something nice about me," the congressman whined to Matt Felling on KTVA.
Poor baby. If it helps, Ear is endorsing Don for re-election this year as usual. The Omniscient Orifice would be simply distraught without his contributions. (Who can forget "Pribiloff's dogs" or his sexually explicit chat with Fairbanks high schoolers, plus so many others over the years?)
And, thank the gods of comedy, Don has already announced he will be running again in 2012.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? . . . Check out the current (Aug. 9) issue of The New Yorker magazine, pages 38-39. It's a piece about the current paralyzing dysfunction in the U.S. Senate. The illustration shows easily recognizable Republican loudmouths on one side and equally recognizable Democratic loudmouths on the other side. And there, in the middle, presiding over the melee with an expression that says, "OMG, I can't believe I volunteered for this job," is our own Kid Begich.
No one is identified, but earwigs will remember Mark got some kind of award for presiding more than any other newbie. Ear assumes he happened to be on duty the day the artist showed up.
SIGNS OF THE TIMES . . . Talk about mixed marriages: A Ralph Samuels sign has appeared in Jim Clark's Juneau yard, next to the Hollis French sign reported a couple weeks ago. Jim was Gov. Frank Murkowski's very high-profile Republican chief of staff. Susan Clark was not.
KUDOS . . . to the Other Dan Sullivan. Our Attorney General announced Friday that his prosecutors, following the lead of several other states, have filed charges against an unknown rapist to avoid having the statute of limitation run out on the unsolved crime.
This is done by filing charges against a "John Doe" DNA profile. The DNA can only belong to one person, is in fact a piece of that person. We just don't know his name yet.
The practice, used in Kansas and Pennsylvania at least, is controversial and has yet to be reviewed by the U.S. Supreme Court. The California Supreme Court upheld it earlier this year.
PURPOSEFUL PARTYING . . . From one end of Raspberry Road to the other Thursday, people were eating and drinking for a cause: At Kincaid Park, it was the annual Republican Party picnic, which earwigs say was civilized and nowhere as much fun as that year Sarah-nistas crashed it.
At the other end, the annual fundraising garden party for the Alaska Native Heritage Center captured a reported $60,000 and also attracted notable Republicans, including Clem Tillion, John Shively, Sen. Linda Menard and Arliss Sturgulewski. From across the aisle, or current politics unknown: Jewel Jones, Heather Flynn, Jim Posey and Jake Leskenkof. Roy Huhndorf cooked blackened salmon.
FOR REAL? . . . Ear got the following invitation: "Join Team Kawasaki at the Snoop Dogg Concert." Does Ear have the wrong impression of the quite proper Rep. Kawasaki, D-Fairbanks, or does this not compute?
WHO KNEW? . . Did everyone but Ear know former Sen. Vic Fischer was an artist? Alaskans Against the Death Penalty, a group that does annual fundraising fish fries under the amusing, if tasteless, motto "Fry Fish, Not People," is auctioning one off. It's called "Golden Eyes" and is, well, fishy in design. Check www.aadp.info for details.
FEMALE FELLOWS? . . . Mara Kimmel, UAA political science professor and immigration attorney, and Robbie Graham, former PR mogul, now a "public diplomacy" specialist, have been named Senior Fellows at the Institute of the North. This is Wally Hickel's northern research and advocacy outfit. According to earwigs, they're the first women to join the "fellowship," if you can believe that.
TOURIST TALK . . . From the "Heard on the Wind" column in the Skagway News:
Tourist: "What is there to do in Skagway?"
Local: "Well, the salmon derby is going on right now."
Tourist: "How do they train the salmon to race?"
This is Ear's favorite:
"As the train passed the Gold Rush Cemetery, a passenger asked the conductor, 'Why was Soapy Smith buried here?' 'Because he was dead,' answered the conductor."
Editor Jeff Brady swears these are real. Having been asked by a tourist in downtown Anchorage where he could get "the train to Juneau," Ear is willing to believe him.
Maybe.
Compiled by Sheila Toomey. Message Sheila at 257-4341 and ear@adn.com. Find Ear online at www.adn.com/ear.