UNALAKLEET -- Dear Snow,
I need to let you know I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I recently heard you've visited the East Coast, and it made my heart ache thinking of someone else having you who probably doesn't appreciate you.
I wonder how that went. I think about where you are and I don't know what I did to keep you away. I don't know what I did that made you go elsewhere. I respected you. I realize I may not have fully appreciated you when you were around, and I realize I took you for granted, but what we had was good, wasn't it?
Every day I wake up and I wonder if I'll ever see you again. I miss you a lot. We all do. I do realize your absence from our lives doesn't have anything to do with me. I realize your issues are bigger, which makes it all the more painful. I can't do anything to make you want to come back.
Do you realize what you have done to us by leaving? Our days are completely changed, and I'm beginning to think I am foolish for hoping you'll show up one day.
I was so very looking forward to my outings with you, snowmachining up and down the river valley. Snow! I can't wear my mukluks when it rains during Christmas time. Or my big parky I made a few years ago. I don't even need to wear gloves! I live here because of you and now you are gone, and I'm really scared there isn't anything I can do to get you back.
While I am trying my best to accept that you aren't in my life right now, and it's difficult, I am doing my best to be grateful for the memories. I want you to know that I really miss those days when you were here and you seemed as tall as our houses. You were as tall as our houses. I remember with joy the times I'd cruise up the trail for caribou with you, seeing wolverine and ptarmigan on the way. Shooting rabbits on the way home. Do you remember when I'd drive to Ayuu's hill and we'd go sledding all day long? You so soft. So inviting. So playful.
It seems magical now, though back then it was so very normal. It was our daily life. So simple. Why have things gotten so complicated? We had really great days. Great moments. While I am very grateful for those memories, the heart longs. The heart aches. The heart remembers and wants. I need to redefine myself. It's too much.
I'm sitting here alone. The tundra is bare. Brown. I'm not sure what to do with who I am anymore. What will tomorrow bring? I feel like the best days are behind me with you gone. I wish you could feel this pain, because I feel like if you had feelings, you'd return realizing how much you are wanted.
And honestly, I tell my friends about you. We have long discussions about the cruelty of you leaving. I told Sheri about you. I am very grateful she understands my pain and pining. You know what she said?
"All we have is rain. Rain and cold rocks."
And she's right. Our daughters don't believe us when we tell them about what life was like when you were around. We reminisced about the tunnel that went through town with the high walls on either side. We talked about the blizzards that used to hit us and nearly knocked us to the ground. We laughed. It was a laugh at how pitiful our current reality is. We laughed because laughing was all we could do.
What I really need you to know is that I am not giving up. I won't let go. I won't let you go. It's impossible for me. I have accepted that I don't have control over what you are doing. Who you spend your time with. The issues leading to you going elsewhere are much bigger than anything I can address alone. I have accepted you had to leave and will let you do what you need to do right now. But you need to know that you are missed. You are wanted. You are loved. I want you back.
Depressed and bored,
Laureli