The end is upon us, but here's a deal for you

A week ago I felt good about America but no more. Coyotes are running freely in the streets of our big cities, the stock market is teetering on the verge of collapse, the monetary system will soon go belly-up, China and North Korea and Iran have a knife to our throats, our schools are in chaos, politicians corrupt, the media stupefied by political correctness, and everywhere you look you hear foreign accents. We are on the edge of the abyss.

At my house, we've begun fortifying the basement walls with sandbags and laying in barrels of fresh water and K-rations. We refuse to be at the mercy of the government when liberals decide to shut down the water supply. We have purchased flame-throwers that are much more effective than firearms and we have enough napalm to fight off platoons of invaders. Plus, the attic holds four tons of dynamite that is wired to a single switch in the refrigerator: When we go, we'll take the whole neighborhood with us. We've cashed in our bonds and put some of the money in coffee cans and buried them in the yard and the rest we've invested in precious agates, which is the only truly safe place to put your money these days. The American Board of Agates in Waco, Texas, has a brochure that will knock your socks off.

Of course, none of this information appears in the mainstream press and you can be sure that no newspaper dares to print what I'm telling you now. The greatest nation in the world is about to collapse like a paper parasol in a hurricane unless Donald J. Trump is elected president and given the power to turn things around.

[OLD FORMULA: Trump doubles down: Fear justifies a strongman.]

I am a lifelong Democrat, or was until I watched the Republican National Convention and the darkness became visible and the pieces clicked into place and suddenly everything made sense. This is scriptural prophecy come to life, the seven-headed beast, the whore of Babylon, the woman with snakes coming out of her head, all of it. It's here. Now.

"What can I do to protect my family from the holocaust of a hostile Hillary takeover?" you ask. "Or should we fly to Singapore while our retirement fund is still worth something?"

That is up to you. But if you choose to stay and fight, I can train you in the most effective technique of persuasion yet devised, developed by Hopi medicine men centuries ago and used by Navy SEALs, now Top Secret and so I am exposing myself to felony indictment by the very mention of the name "Hopi hypnosis," or Hopnosis, and could be sent to prison for up to 25 years, but I don't care. A man must do what a man must do.

I can send you a 35-minute video on a DVD that will teach you how to employ this technique for $47.95 plus $13.50 handling and postage.

The technique involves (1) breath control, (2) steady eye contact and (3) the silent mental repetition of a code word that carries the hypnotic power. It's as simple as that.

I have used Hopnosis to talk a used-car salesman into selling me a 2010 Honda Accord for half of list price, make my teenage daughter turn over her iPhone and go to her room, and convince my wife that the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor in 1941. And I have persuaded 75 friends who are Democrats to vote Republican in the fall. In three days.

If each of us changed 150 minds every six days between now and November, the country can be saved. Either we use this technique or we surrender to the enemy and leave with our tails between our legs.

"Prove it," you say. "Tell us the code word that gives us the power to reverse the rational thinking of another person."

I can't tell you that, of course. I can only tell you that it's a five-letter word that begins with L and ends with R. "Lover"? Close, but no cigar. Send now. The supply is limited. If you are not completely satisfied with the DVD, you may return it within 30 days for a 100 percent refund — I keep only the $13.50 postage and handling. And because our national currency will likely be in free fall, the refund will come to you in the form of a precious agate worth many times the list price.

Garrison Keillor is an author and radio personality.

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